I Met Kazzy's Parents! [Important Note at Beginning]
Note: I think now is the time to say that Kaz's mother is Chinese, meaning he is technically hafu (Japanese term for someone who is half-Japanese.) He was never bullied or treated differently because of it, as it is hard to tell he is hafu. He was raised solely by his Japanese father and grandmother. We know roughly the same amount of Mandarin (like 5 words on a good day.) Therefore, I always think of him as just Japanese.
I am deeply sorry if anyone felt misled. However, these are important personal details of Kaz's life, and I do not feel like I have the right to freely make reference to them. I plan to continue to refer to him as Japanese. Yes, I could have written this blog without mentioning those facts. However, meeting Kaz's parents in two different cities and certain other details would have made little sense without informing you guys.
Enjoy!
*I've shared a few photos of the trip to Japan on my Instagram, and made three new vlogs on our YouTube channel*
I've been looking forward to writing about this because I know there are a lot of negative ideas, from stereotypes to first-hand experiences, about Asian parents and their children's black significant others.
However, of course, this is not universal. As I mentioned in a previous post, because Kaz's mom learned about our relationship from a picture he shared on Facebook, she knew that I was black from the moment she learned about me. She congratulated him on his new relationship. Kaz's dad isn't a huge fan of technology, so Kaz told him directly. When I started dating a Japanese guy, I was prepared to deal with parents who are biased against me due to the color of my skin, but I am so glad I never had to face that obstacle. However, as people who had been in an intercultural relationship before, they were more likely to be open to their son's interracial one. Still, as there are parents from the same culture who are okay with their children dating outside of their culture or ethnicity, but only within the same race, I'm sure there are some intercultural parents out there who hold the same beliefs. (I.e. Some Japanese people may believe: "Japanese? Great! Other Asian? Okay. White? Eh... Black? NO.")
I'm also fortunate in that Kaz's parents understand both spoken and written English. There were some funny moments with Kaz's mom when she would ask Kaz to translate something she said (when she could tell I was only catching the gist.) Kaz is not the best at translating spoken language, so the task fell back onto his mom, who did a pretty great job at it.
"I don't think my mom cares so much about that," Kaz said as I ran to and fro about the apartment, going from fixing my hair, to fixing the curtains, to applying eyeliner, to straightening out the bed sheets for the umpteenth time.
I hyperventilated my way down the hill to the train station, and we waited for his mom's head to appear at the top of the escalator. It did, and I immediately calmed down as I was met with a friendly face that looked shockingly close to a female version of Kaz's.
"We look alike, don't we?" his mom commented in Japanese as we walked back up the hill, after I had sputtered out something akin to, "Mynameis[Decchan,] meet to nice you."
"You really do!"
Back in the apartment, we exchanged gifts. Kaz had a nice towel for her from his school, and I gave her the toffee and sparkling wine.
She brought us a premium pound cake, some lovely mochi wrapped intricately in leaves, a couple of onsen towels (mine has cats on it!) and a special surprise for me.
"It's a Chinese tradition to give money during special occasions," she told me, handing over a small envelope with cute cartoon characters on it.
I was floored. I first tried to refuse it, but I didn't want to seem unappreciative. I asked her if she was sure, and she insisted I take it. I thanked her profusely, tucked it away for later, and turned back to fawning over my cat towel.
The restaurant to which his mom wanted to take us was a beautiful rooftop barbecue place (also expensive as heck,) but unfortunately we needed a reservation days in advance. So after a bit of wandering around and following maps to closed restaurants, we ended up at a sushi restaurant, Sushi Kenzan, that was also expensive (and delicious) as heck. His mom suggested we get a course meal, which of course I didn't realize was a course meal and thought was one thing we could all share, and thusly agreed to. I listened on as Kaz and his mom caught up on their conversations about life, In the middle of the course, his mom asked if there were any à la carte sushi we'd like to have. Me, thinking the course was over, had room for a couple more pieces of exquisite sushi, and ordered them. After eating them and thinking I couldn't possibly fit another bite of food in my stomach, his mom asked for the soup and tea to be brought out, then the dessert. I found room. It was well worth it.
Even though Kaz's mom and I weren't able to talk a whole lot, we were able to begin to get to know each other and really enjoyed each other's company.
Side story: Kaz waited until the last minute to confirm our travel dates with his dad, meaning we couldn't get the awesome round-trip shinkansen and hotel package I had found for just 26,000 yen (~$229) on the weekend.
His dad met us at Kyoto station, where he had made a sign for us out of Kaz's third birthday card, which featured an adorable picture of Lil' Kazzy-kun, and greeted me with an English "Welcome to Japan!"
This is where I would put the picture of Lil' Kaz, but I think Big Kaz would crucify me, so instead I'll put a picture of a drawing he did, and pray he murders me less.
The very top of Kyoto station is actually very nice and totally worth visiting if you have the time. It's a little rooftop oasis with fantastic views of the city around. His dad brought us up there and because I didn't want to give off the impression of a cellphone addict five minutes after meeting him, I didn't take any pictures at the top.
From there, we tucked our small suitcase into a station coin locker, went down to the markets near the station and partook in various food items as we chatted.
We supplemented our snacks with a light meal from a pub near the markets. During this process, I found that Kaz's dad had a penchant for calling his son an idiot. While I found this to be just funny familial normalcy and laughed along, (who doesn't call their loved ones morons from time to time?) I also wanted to make sure his dad knew my true feelings.
"I'm really glad Kaz could help me come on this trip. He is hard-working at his internship, and very smart," I said, when Kaz stepped away to use the restroom.
"Hard-working, yes. Smart, ehhh, I dunno," his dad replied playfully, in the way parents only can when they secretly think their kids are brilliant.
When Kaz returned, walked for a bit through Kyoto's busy downtown streets, then down an almost alley-like road lined with traditional Japanese storefronts (and a few homes, I assume,) and walked back on the riverfront, where Kaz and I (mostly I) quacked at some ducks and we discussed that Japanese people don't wear sunglasses as frequently as Westerners do, when I pulled out my shades to protect my eyes from the glaring white dust of the path.
And then, the magic words were said.
"We're going back to my childhood home," Kaz said, relaying the information from his dad.
A train, bus, and short walk later, we were at the place I'd wanted so much to see. While I had wanted to come to the duplex in which Kaz lived until he went to Tokyo for high school, I wasn't going to spend the money to come to Kyoto solely for that. I was so glad his father wanted to show me the house. In recent years, he had sold the home and moved into an assisted living community on the mountainside. The person who bought it modernized it and put the home back on the market, meaning no one was living there. While it didn't look the same anymore, I was still happy to see the place I'd only previously been able to see on Google Maps.
We also went to his old elementary school, which reminded me somewhat of my own (first) elementary school with its separated buildings and animal pens. There was even a pond with small fish swimming about.
From there we walked (lots of walking!) to a shopping center where we sat down for refreshments. I couldn't choose between the ice cream and the cheesecake, so his dad kindly said I could get both, "for starters!" We joked about getting one of every dessert, one of many laughs that day.
Lastly, his dad took us to see his new apartment in the assisted living community. Kaz had also never seen it before. The community was awesome, with its own library/reading room, game room, waterfall, and pretty much any other asset you'd want. The architecture was mid-century modern, and its position on the side of the mountain meant fantastic views of all of Kyoto.
The shuttle to the station had just left by the time we finished seeing everything, so his dad walked down with us to the nearby hospital so we could ride the bus from there. On the way, I was able to see something very special.
"He had this tree planted in honor of his mother, when she passed away," Kaz translated, explaining why we had come over to the young, healthy tree that already stood nearly as tall as the hospital.
"Why are you speaking so impersonally?" his dad chided with a laugh. "She's your grandmother, too!"
As they turned back to continue the walk to the station, I bowed and said, "Douzo yoroshiku onegaishimasu" to the tree before rejoining them.
It was nearing the end of my time in Japan and I was beginning to think I wouldn't be able to see Kaz's mom again (we had planned to go to her house for a meal or even go on a day trip, just her and myself, to Hakone for the onsen.)
Unfortunately, she was feeling under the weather, so she didn't want to expose us to too many germs by inviting us to her house, so instead we met at Iidabashi station and walked around the area for a couple of hours before heading to Kagurazaka Shimakin, an unagi (eel) restaurant.
We visited a kimono shop, and his mom bought me a real obi (the ribbon that goes around the middle of the kimono) for my yutaka (a kimono made of light fabric, for use in summer,) as well as a flower clip that can be used either in the hair or to decorate the kimono. She even offered to buy me a smaller swatch of fabric that I could use to create a doll-sized kimono, but I insisted it was fine.
I still have no words for how grateful I am. My previous obi was a cheaty-obi, where you just tie a ribbon of fabric around your waist and stick a pre-made bow in the back. I am going to have so much fun learning to tie a real obi! The other benefit of a real obi is that you tie it in different ways, although different styles of tying have different meanings, often based on age and/or marital status. The younger and singler you are, the fancier your tie job can be.
From there, we stopped at an ice cream shop. I was a bit peckish, and it was a couple of hours before dinner, so I had my first ever ice cream in a sugar cookie cone. Why is this not a thing everywhere?
On the side streets, we saw a lot of small storefronts that blended seamlessly into the surrounding houses. There were many small pubs and cafes that could only hold four or five people.
We also stopped at Akagi Shrine, which has been around for a while but in its most recent renovation, was done in a more modern style. Now, I am very much a, "Once you've seen one shrine and one temple, you've seen them all" type. However, I had seen lots of shrines and temples that had had their original beauty maintained over the years, but this was the first that I had seen that was modernized. I loved it.
Whenever I visit a shrine or temple, I buy the little wooden tablets that are meant for making a wish (ema,) and just take them home with me.
However, at this particular shrine, they had really cute shrine stamp books (goshuinchou). These are books you can take to various shrines and temples and get marked with a unique stamp and calligraphy. I already have one, but the ones at this shrine were too cute to pass up. His mom purchased both colors: Blue and green for me, and pink and purple for herself. I insisted on paying for the ema myself, but she wouldn't let my pay for the goshuinchou.
On the walk back, we stopped first at a little store that sold cat-themed goods, and we encountered something... unexpected
For those who don't know, the swastika was a positive symbol in many cultures and religious before being appropriated by the Nazi party. However, the peaceful swastika is not on an angle as the Nazi swastika is. You would think after World War II, everyone, especially the parties involved, would be able to get this right.
Kaz and I wondered if we should say something to the shop staff, but I was not prepared to enter into a conversation about the fact that they had created a Nazi cat, and we left.
After that, we stopped by a cafe for more snacks,
before heading to the restaurant. Unfortunately, between the ice cream and the snacks, I had mostly filled myself up, but I ate anyway because the food was fantastic and it was so totally worth it. The eel practically melted in my mouth, and I was reminded by the tempura vegetables I'd requested that not even the best tempura shrimp on the other side of the Pacific could stand up to what they can do in Japan. At least, none that I've ever tasted. If you want to prove me wrong, go ahead, recommend away.
I really need to remember not to eat before going to eat with Kaz's mom, because she fed us so well.
Anyway, for anyone meeting the boyfriend's parents, especially if the parents are from a different culture: Don't worry so much. All I did was be myself, albeit my polite self. I showed gratitude, and tried to contribute to conversation as much as I could. You might not be able to talk as much or as deeply into topics as you want, but if you are a nice person with good manners, that will show.
Likewise, his parents tried to include me in the conversation as much as they could, and extended a lot of hospitality toward me. Some parents may not be so open, but chances are, they want you to like them, and they want to like you (at least they will, once they see you're a cool person.)
The only scary moment was once when I referred to Kazzy by name only, and his dad told me to use san after his name. "[Kaz] is how I, as his father, refer to him." Still, the light scolding was done with a friendly attitude, and I apologized and thanked him for correcting me.
If Kaz and I do get married someday, I might just be blessed with the best in-laws in history.
I am deeply sorry if anyone felt misled. However, these are important personal details of Kaz's life, and I do not feel like I have the right to freely make reference to them. I plan to continue to refer to him as Japanese. Yes, I could have written this blog without mentioning those facts. However, meeting Kaz's parents in two different cities and certain other details would have made little sense without informing you guys.
Enjoy!
*I've shared a few photos of the trip to Japan on my Instagram, and made three new vlogs on our YouTube channel*
I've been looking forward to writing about this because I know there are a lot of negative ideas, from stereotypes to first-hand experiences, about Asian parents and their children's black significant others.
However, of course, this is not universal. As I mentioned in a previous post, because Kaz's mom learned about our relationship from a picture he shared on Facebook, she knew that I was black from the moment she learned about me. She congratulated him on his new relationship. Kaz's dad isn't a huge fan of technology, so Kaz told him directly. When I started dating a Japanese guy, I was prepared to deal with parents who are biased against me due to the color of my skin, but I am so glad I never had to face that obstacle. However, as people who had been in an intercultural relationship before, they were more likely to be open to their son's interracial one. Still, as there are parents from the same culture who are okay with their children dating outside of their culture or ethnicity, but only within the same race, I'm sure there are some intercultural parents out there who hold the same beliefs. (I.e. Some Japanese people may believe: "Japanese? Great! Other Asian? Okay. White? Eh... Black? NO.")
I'm also fortunate in that Kaz's parents understand both spoken and written English. There were some funny moments with Kaz's mom when she would ask Kaz to translate something she said (when she could tell I was only catching the gist.) Kaz is not the best at translating spoken language, so the task fell back onto his mom, who did a pretty great job at it.
Meeting Kaz's Mom
I was feeling relatively chill until about an hour before his mom was due to arrive. She was coming to see our apartment before we left for lunch, and everything had to be perfect."I don't think my mom cares so much about that," Kaz said as I ran to and fro about the apartment, going from fixing my hair, to fixing the curtains, to applying eyeliner, to straightening out the bed sheets for the umpteenth time.
I hyperventilated my way down the hill to the train station, and we waited for his mom's head to appear at the top of the escalator. It did, and I immediately calmed down as I was met with a friendly face that looked shockingly close to a female version of Kaz's.
"We look alike, don't we?" his mom commented in Japanese as we walked back up the hill, after I had sputtered out something akin to, "Mynameis[Decchan,] meet to nice you."
"You really do!"
Back in the apartment, we exchanged gifts. Kaz had a nice towel for her from his school, and I gave her the toffee and sparkling wine.
She brought us a premium pound cake, some lovely mochi wrapped intricately in leaves, a couple of onsen towels (mine has cats on it!) and a special surprise for me.
"It's a Chinese tradition to give money during special occasions," she told me, handing over a small envelope with cute cartoon characters on it.
I was floored. I first tried to refuse it, but I didn't want to seem unappreciative. I asked her if she was sure, and she insisted I take it. I thanked her profusely, tucked it away for later, and turned back to fawning over my cat towel.
 |
| Side note: This towel is PERFECT for onsen. It's long and narrow, which means I can use it to tie up my hair to keep it out of the onsen water, then dry myself off with it when I get out. |
The restaurant to which his mom wanted to take us was a beautiful rooftop barbecue place (also expensive as heck,) but unfortunately we needed a reservation days in advance. So after a bit of wandering around and following maps to closed restaurants, we ended up at a sushi restaurant, Sushi Kenzan, that was also expensive (and delicious) as heck. His mom suggested we get a course meal, which of course I didn't realize was a course meal and thought was one thing we could all share, and thusly agreed to. I listened on as Kaz and his mom caught up on their conversations about life, In the middle of the course, his mom asked if there were any à la carte sushi we'd like to have. Me, thinking the course was over, had room for a couple more pieces of exquisite sushi, and ordered them. After eating them and thinking I couldn't possibly fit another bite of food in my stomach, his mom asked for the soup and tea to be brought out, then the dessert. I found room. It was well worth it.
Even though Kaz's mom and I weren't able to talk a whole lot, we were able to begin to get to know each other and really enjoyed each other's company.
Meeting Kaz's Dad
To meet his dad, we would have to make the trip to Kyoto. I was happy to be able to take the shinkansen (bullet train) again, and possibly see Kaz's childhood stomping grounds.Side story: Kaz waited until the last minute to confirm our travel dates with his dad, meaning we couldn't get the awesome round-trip shinkansen and hotel package I had found for just 26,000 yen (~$229) on the weekend.
 |
| Coulda been us but he triflin'. Since it was his fault for waiting so long, I gave him 26,000 yen and told him the rest was on him, so I still got my deal ;) Love ya, hon! |
His dad met us at Kyoto station, where he had made a sign for us out of Kaz's third birthday card, which featured an adorable picture of Lil' Kazzy-kun, and greeted me with an English "Welcome to Japan!"
This is where I would put the picture of Lil' Kaz, but I think Big Kaz would crucify me, so instead I'll put a picture of a drawing he did, and pray he murders me less.
 |
| Tfw you're playing soccer, but the teams are unbalanced and one guy on the other team can do a split. |
The very top of Kyoto station is actually very nice and totally worth visiting if you have the time. It's a little rooftop oasis with fantastic views of the city around. His dad brought us up there and because I didn't want to give off the impression of a cellphone addict five minutes after meeting him, I didn't take any pictures at the top.
 |
| I did get this shot when we were coming back down, though. |
From there, we tucked our small suitcase into a station coin locker, went down to the markets near the station and partook in various food items as we chatted.
 |
| How many of y'all would eat this steamed octopus? Because I went right for it upon seeing it, and it was awesome. |
We supplemented our snacks with a light meal from a pub near the markets. During this process, I found that Kaz's dad had a penchant for calling his son an idiot. While I found this to be just funny familial normalcy and laughed along, (who doesn't call their loved ones morons from time to time?) I also wanted to make sure his dad knew my true feelings.
"I'm really glad Kaz could help me come on this trip. He is hard-working at his internship, and very smart," I said, when Kaz stepped away to use the restroom.
"Hard-working, yes. Smart, ehhh, I dunno," his dad replied playfully, in the way parents only can when they secretly think their kids are brilliant.
When Kaz returned, walked for a bit through Kyoto's busy downtown streets, then down an almost alley-like road lined with traditional Japanese storefronts (and a few homes, I assume,) and walked back on the riverfront, where Kaz and I (mostly I) quacked at some ducks and we discussed that Japanese people don't wear sunglasses as frequently as Westerners do, when I pulled out my shades to protect my eyes from the glaring white dust of the path.
And then, the magic words were said.
"We're going back to my childhood home," Kaz said, relaying the information from his dad.
A train, bus, and short walk later, we were at the place I'd wanted so much to see. While I had wanted to come to the duplex in which Kaz lived until he went to Tokyo for high school, I wasn't going to spend the money to come to Kyoto solely for that. I was so glad his father wanted to show me the house. In recent years, he had sold the home and moved into an assisted living community on the mountainside. The person who bought it modernized it and put the home back on the market, meaning no one was living there. While it didn't look the same anymore, I was still happy to see the place I'd only previously been able to see on Google Maps.
 |
| Kaz looking confused because house selfie? |
 |
| Kaz taking a picture of me taking a house selfie because ??? |
From there we walked (lots of walking!) to a shopping center where we sat down for refreshments. I couldn't choose between the ice cream and the cheesecake, so his dad kindly said I could get both, "for starters!" We joked about getting one of every dessert, one of many laughs that day.
Lastly, his dad took us to see his new apartment in the assisted living community. Kaz had also never seen it before. The community was awesome, with its own library/reading room, game room, waterfall, and pretty much any other asset you'd want. The architecture was mid-century modern, and its position on the side of the mountain meant fantastic views of all of Kyoto.
The shuttle to the station had just left by the time we finished seeing everything, so his dad walked down with us to the nearby hospital so we could ride the bus from there. On the way, I was able to see something very special.
"He had this tree planted in honor of his mother, when she passed away," Kaz translated, explaining why we had come over to the young, healthy tree that already stood nearly as tall as the hospital.
"Why are you speaking so impersonally?" his dad chided with a laugh. "She's your grandmother, too!"
As they turned back to continue the walk to the station, I bowed and said, "Douzo yoroshiku onegaishimasu" to the tree before rejoining them.
Meeting Kaz's Mom #2
It was nearing the end of my time in Japan and I was beginning to think I wouldn't be able to see Kaz's mom again (we had planned to go to her house for a meal or even go on a day trip, just her and myself, to Hakone for the onsen.)
Unfortunately, she was feeling under the weather, so she didn't want to expose us to too many germs by inviting us to her house, so instead we met at Iidabashi station and walked around the area for a couple of hours before heading to Kagurazaka Shimakin, an unagi (eel) restaurant.
We visited a kimono shop, and his mom bought me a real obi (the ribbon that goes around the middle of the kimono) for my yutaka (a kimono made of light fabric, for use in summer,) as well as a flower clip that can be used either in the hair or to decorate the kimono. She even offered to buy me a smaller swatch of fabric that I could use to create a doll-sized kimono, but I insisted it was fine.
 |
| My obi is officially more expensive and more gorgeous than my yukata. |
 |
| Looking a bit rough after the trip home, but still very cute. |
 |
| Even came with an adorable little paper kimono~! |
I still have no words for how grateful I am. My previous obi was a cheaty-obi, where you just tie a ribbon of fabric around your waist and stick a pre-made bow in the back. I am going to have so much fun learning to tie a real obi! The other benefit of a real obi is that you tie it in different ways, although different styles of tying have different meanings, often based on age and/or marital status. The younger and singler you are, the fancier your tie job can be.
From there, we stopped at an ice cream shop. I was a bit peckish, and it was a couple of hours before dinner, so I had my first ever ice cream in a sugar cookie cone. Why is this not a thing everywhere?
On the side streets, we saw a lot of small storefronts that blended seamlessly into the surrounding houses. There were many small pubs and cafes that could only hold four or five people.
We also stopped at Akagi Shrine, which has been around for a while but in its most recent renovation, was done in a more modern style. Now, I am very much a, "Once you've seen one shrine and one temple, you've seen them all" type. However, I had seen lots of shrines and temples that had had their original beauty maintained over the years, but this was the first that I had seen that was modernized. I loved it.
 |
| Image credit: https://tokyobling.wordpress.com/2014/02/13/snowy-shrine-akagi-jinja/ |
 |
| Side of the shrine. I love the mix of glass and minimalistic metal with more traditional wood. |
Whenever I visit a shrine or temple, I buy the little wooden tablets that are meant for making a wish (ema,) and just take them home with me.
 |
| This is a prayer for exams to go well. |
However, at this particular shrine, they had really cute shrine stamp books (goshuinchou). These are books you can take to various shrines and temples and get marked with a unique stamp and calligraphy. I already have one, but the ones at this shrine were too cute to pass up. His mom purchased both colors: Blue and green for me, and pink and purple for herself. I insisted on paying for the ema myself, but she wouldn't let my pay for the goshuinchou.
On the walk back, we stopped first at a little store that sold cat-themed goods, and we encountered something... unexpected
For those who don't know, the swastika was a positive symbol in many cultures and religious before being appropriated by the Nazi party. However, the peaceful swastika is not on an angle as the Nazi swastika is. You would think after World War II, everyone, especially the parties involved, would be able to get this right.
 |
| This, good. The one above, very very bad. |
Kaz and I wondered if we should say something to the shop staff, but I was not prepared to enter into a conversation about the fact that they had created a Nazi cat, and we left.
After that, we stopped by a cafe for more snacks,
 |
| yum yum, |
I really need to remember not to eat before going to eat with Kaz's mom, because she fed us so well.
~ * ~
Anyway, for anyone meeting the boyfriend's parents, especially if the parents are from a different culture: Don't worry so much. All I did was be myself, albeit my polite self. I showed gratitude, and tried to contribute to conversation as much as I could. You might not be able to talk as much or as deeply into topics as you want, but if you are a nice person with good manners, that will show.
Likewise, his parents tried to include me in the conversation as much as they could, and extended a lot of hospitality toward me. Some parents may not be so open, but chances are, they want you to like them, and they want to like you (at least they will, once they see you're a cool person.)
The only scary moment was once when I referred to Kazzy by name only, and his dad told me to use san after his name. "[Kaz] is how I, as his father, refer to him." Still, the light scolding was done with a friendly attitude, and I apologized and thanked him for correcting me.
If Kaz and I do get married someday, I might just be blessed with the best in-laws in history.
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