What I Learned from Living with My Japanese Boyfriend for a Month

Hey there.

As y'all know, Kazzy got an internship with the Japanese branch of an American company, and he's been in Tokyo for the past couple of months. This was a good opportunity for me to meet his parents, and I had always wanted to return to Japan, so he made that wish come true for his first month there. Not only did he give me a significant amount of spending money for the trip, but as it turns out, I was able to stay in his apartment for no additional charge (also, shoutout to Auntie for letting me use her airline miles! All I had to pay was $50 in taxes!)

Yesterday, I read a comment on Find Your Love in Japan's recent video What It's Like Dating Japanese Men for Foreign Women.

HEY THERE.

The sentence "[When] you live together with someone you start understanding his bad sides" made me wonder what I'd learned in my time together with Kaz. I'd had a great time with him during that month, but left feeling like I hadn't had enough time to learn much at all.

However, the more I thought about it, the more I realized I had learned some things, about Kaz, myself, and our relationship, which I want to share with you now.

1) We have different priorities when it comes to spending money.

As I mentioned, Kaz gave me all of my spending money for the trip. What we didn't talk about at all was how I was going to spend that money. As it turns out, his vision for how I would use it and mine were very different.

I learned he is a person who values experiences. Going new places and seeing new things. That's not how I am. While I do love going new places, I like to live my life as usual in those places. I'm a homebody, whether that be in the U.S. or overseas. If Kaz wanted to go somewhere, I was more than happy to go with him, but I just wasn't interested in going much of anywhere by myself.

This led to frustration on his part, when he'd come home from work and I hadn't left the house all day or had only gone grocery shopping. He'd encourage me to go somewhere, do something, so the next day, I would.

I am a person who values material goods over experiences. When I leave the house (except to go to school, of course,) it's usually to buy something. In my mind, I'm pretty good about buying only things I have a use for, or truly bring me some joy #TheLifeChangingMagicOfTidyingUp.

So I'd leave the house like Kaz said. When he'd come home, he'd see the items I inevitably purchased, sigh in disappointment, and talk about how I wasted money.

I'm confused and annoyed. "You aren't happy when I stay home. You aren't happy when I leave the house. What do you want me to do?"

"Just because you go out doesn't mean you have to spend so much money on stuff like that."

I recalled a discussion we had before the trip, in which he was excitedly showing me a great deal he found on a trip to Okinawa.

"I don't want to go to Okinawa."

"But why not? You've never been there before, it's a good time of year, and it's a good deal."

"When I was a student in Tsukuba, I wished I could just spend an extended period of time in Tokyo. Now I have the chance to do that. I'm not gonna waste that time by going somewhere else."

"I think you'll get bored in Tokyo. It's not that exciting."

"Bruh. It's Tokyo."

I realized that this argument came down to a fundamental difference.

"You're using how you would want to spend the money as a guide for how I should spend the money, instead of letting me spend it in a way that I would enjoy it."

"This is a really big difference between us..." he murmured.

"It's fine. We just enjoy different things."

2) I really enjoy the housewife lifestyle... to an extent.

In the U.S., my apartment is a mess. I sometimes throw a microwave meal in to thaw rather than busting out my pots and pans to make a proper meal. Laundry sometimes piles up until the hamper is overflowing and I'm trying new outfits combos out of necessity.

I felt like it would be different in Japan, that I would be able to be the perfect little housegirlfriend. While I was far from perfect (Kaz: "Don't put the clean laundry on the floor!") I was still able to have a meal on the table every night Kaz wasn't cooking or we weren't going out to eat. I even kept Kaz's shirts ironed. I HATE ironing. I. DO. NOT. IRON.

(My proficiency was undoubtedly helped by the fact that the apartment was serviced, so there was no scrubbing, changing, or vacuuming on my part.)

It was different, because I was no longer doing it for myself, I was doing it for him. Kaz was always super grateful for everything (especially the food,) but let me know that I didn't have to do any of this. But I wanted to. I loved seeing him walk out of the house with a freshly washed, crisply pressed shirt, the grin on his face when he would come home and smell what was cooking, and I loved being the leader of the IST (Intern Support Team.)

However, I also felt... idle. It was nice to be able to go out and explore Japan, but I knew that I would be uncomfortable with that being my daily life. I shuddered to think about me out enjoying myself and spending money while Kaz was working so hard to earn it.

It would be more accurate to say I enjoy the stay-at-home mom lifestyle, because the thing I felt was missing were children. I didn't have kids, so I didn't get a true taste of it, though. I think if children were added into the mix, I'd feel like I was doing my part and contributing just as much as Kaz.

3) Kaz is a workaholic.

I don't think I ever saw the man work less than a 10-hour day. I chalked it up to pressure to conform to the Japanese working lifestule, which is famous for long hours of unpaid overtime. However, he says that even in the U.S., that's how the world of business works.

Since I left, he's told me, he works even longer hours and sometimes on weekends.

I worry about his health and happiness, but I am really thankful that he almost always came home at a decent time to spend some time with me before going to sleep.

4) Separate beds is actually kind of awesome

It was late December or early January when Kaz told me he wanted to have his own room someday.

I was distraught.

In U.S. culture, sleeping permanently in separate rooms is one of the first signs of the end. The sign of a relationship on the rocks. People who love each other want the closeness and bonding that comes with sleeping together in bed. Sure, some people snore like a freight train, or kick like they're about to be murdered, so not sharing a bed makes sense. But couples don't just... choose to sleep in separate rooms just because. It's a mile-long red flag burning on top of a mountain. There was no, no, no way I was going to be okay with separate rooms.

Kaz brought up several points in his defense. "I never had my own bedroom until I moved out at 15." "Even since 15, I've had my own room. I'm used to it now." "Even children usually get their own bedrooms, but as an adult, I can't have my own room?" But I wouldn't hear it.

I should mention what's common Japanese culture. It's common for married couples to have separate futons in the same room, until they have kids, at which point the wife shares a futon with the kids and the husband has his own room, as not to be disturbed while sleeping.

This was a matter of debate up until right before the trip. We had agreed that we'd try sleeping in the same bed, and if that didn't work, we'd rent an extra bed.

Then the apartment waived the extra bed fee.

Kaz went ahead and got it because it was free. Up until the bed's arrival, I was complaining. "This isn't what we agreed on." "Where is it gonna go?" "It's gonna take up too much space and be an annoyance." "This is a terrible idea."

With a little shifting of the kitchen table, the bed fit quite nicely between said table and the sofa.

"Huh. That's not as bad as I thought."

As time went on, and I realized that not sharing a bed created no barrier whatsoever to Kaz showing me the love (not in that way, ya nasty,) and we spent plenty of quality time together before going to sleep, talking, cuddling, watching TV, and messing around on our phones, my fears and preconceived notions that all happy couples share a bed were extinguished.

One night near the end of the trip, I was feeling insecure, and I brought up that not once during the trip had Kaz wanted to share a bed.

"But we shared a bed last weekend when we went to Kyoto."

"Because we had to." As much as Kaz liked having his own space, he didn't like it paying-for-a-second-hotel-room much. And you know ya girl would have canceled the daggone trip before paying for one. "We never even gave sleeping together a shot. I want to sleep in here every night until the end of the trip."

"Every night??"

"Every night."

"...Okay."

I smiled and took my rightful place under the covers.

...For like five minutes before I missed having my own bed.

"I'm going back to my bed."

"Hm? You sure?"

"Yeah. Thanks so much for saying I could sleep in here until the end of the trip, though. That means a lot."

I like to listen to videos and play phone games in bed, as does Kaz. I like to be able to move around and make noise without worrying about bothering another person, as does Kaz. Neither of us can fall asleep cuddling, anyway. It might be nice waking up next to a loved one, but it's not really worth the stress of wondering if you're keeping them up, or the annoyance of being woken up.

In the past, I had adapted to sharing a bed, because I thought that's what people in couples should want to do, therefore, I also wanted to. But Kaz showed me that that doesn't have to be the way.

For what it's worth, the night before I left, Kaz asked me to sleep in his bed.

5) We can live in a small space without killing each other

The square footage of that apartment and my apartment are roughly the same, with all of the same amenities. However, probably due to the layout of my furniture and accumulated stuff, my apartment feels smaller than the one in Japan. Also, since my apartment is a junior one-bedroom, I'm always technically in the same room as whoever's here (unless I'm in the bathroom or closet, of course.)

I think if Kaz and I lived here, we would have killed each other by now.

I was concerned about living in the small apartment in Japan (pretty large for a Tokyo apartment) for a month, but it was great. In my opinion, that was for three reasons:

1) Less crap.

2) Better furniture layout & more efficient use of space.

3) Kaz was out of the apartment for 12 hours a day, so I was always excited to have him back.

Hopefully this stays the same!

6) Japanese-style bathrooms are awesome

I hate baths. I don't like taking showers, but I do out of necessity.

When I lived in Tsukuba, I always enjoyed going to the sento (bathhouse.) I liked that I could sit and relax while showering, didn't have to do acrobatics to shave my legs, and could soak in the tub without feeling like I was stewing in my own filth.

I was so excited when I saw that I would have that convenience in my Kaz's very own room.

It was as great as I'd dreamed. I actually looked forward to getting clean every day.

I wonder if that's something I can find in U.S. houses. If not, it looks like a reno job is in my future!

~ * ~

Holy crap, that was a lot more than I expected. Well, I hope my stories interested you and if not, I hope you learned something from the six main points.

I won't be able to update weekly anymore (like I was so good at that...) because I've started school again.

Until next time!

~Decchan