Green Card Marriage
When you're dating someone from another country in your home country, it's only natural for it to come across your mind whether the person is not interested in you, but your citizen status. Admittedly, Kaz worried me in the very beginning. Our second date was the day after our first (I was the one who asked him on a second date so quickly.) At the end, while I was wondering if we'd share our first kiss, instead he popped the question, "Will you be my girlfriend?" I said yes before my brain could reboot and I could take a second to think.
The next day, I expressed my worries that we were rushing the relationship. He explained that he hopes to get married before 30, and later he further explained that he hopes to work in the U.S. and getting married to an American would give him U.S. work status, and as such, access to better jobs than if he had to find a company to sponsor his work status (many companies don't want to have to go through the extra effort.)
If I stop the story right there, it screams "He's using you for a green card!" At the time, however, I was just nervous and excited about my new relationship, which was probably a blessing. If I had let insecurity creep in so early, I may never have been able to rid myself of it.
A few months later, I found myself checking out articles with advice on how to tell if a guy just wants you for a green card, or if he's the real deal. I'd like to go through a few pieces of these articles now and give my opinions in the context of our relationship. This is in the context of relationships where a man is trying to dupe his partner into marrying him for a green card.
#1: You're Googling "How to tell if someone wants me for a green card".
Bullcrap. A healthy bit of skepticism is in order if you're dating someone who has anything more to gain than your affection. If you're constantly paranoid and something feels off, that's reason to be worried. But trying to cover your bases to protect yourself is a good thing, not a bad omen.
#2: He is perfect.
This is a tricky one. The perfect partner doesn't exist, but in the beginning stages of a relationship, both sides often have their rose-tinted glasses on and will see their partner as more perfect, and act more like an ideal partner, than they will in the future. If your gentleman goes out of his way to be a
yes-man slave, it might not mean he just wants a green card—he might be genuinely trying to please you because he likes you. However, no matter the reason, this is generally not a sustainable way of behaving.
#3: Excessive flattery.
This can be a sign that he wants something other than love, but not necessarily a green card. He could just be trying to get you into bed. If that's not what you're after, proceed with caution.
#3: He puts minimal effort into the relationship.
On the other side of the coin, a guy who is uninterested in doing things like meeting your friends and family, doing things together, only gets his act together when you get upset about something, and overall puts in the minimum effort required to keep you dating him, is either lazy or wants permanent resident status.
#4: He is manipulative.
There are a lot of ways for someone to be manipulative. Manipulative and emotionally abusive people are some of the worst to date. Forget whether he wants you for the green card, get out of the relationship.
#5: He puts conditions on your relationship.
I agree that this is a good sign something is up. It's one thing if he's disappointed at the idea of you not living in the U.S. after marriage. If he says you have to stay in the U.S. for your relationship to continue, he either wants you for a green card, or he is a selfish, uncompromising person. Neither is a person you want to date or marry.
#6: Your family and friends think something's not right.
They may be able to see things you can't. If there are multiple people close to you who have similar reservations about your guy's personality, that is a major warning sign in general.
#7 He rushes the relationship.
A guy having a deadline (i.e. the day his visa expires,) to get married is definitely a warning sign, and one of the reasons I was cautious about Kazzy. However, he has since expressed that he is interested in continuing our relationship even if he has to return to Japan. If a guy's deadline is too fast for you, clearly state that this will not work for you. If he's after you for a green card, he will probably leave you. Good riddance.
#8 He doesn't seem interested in being close to you.
Some guys need more personal space than others, and some are not interested in hugging, kissing, and cuddling. Just because a guy wants a separate bed doesn't mean he doesn't want you, but make sure to keep extra-focused for other warning signs, as to whether he might be after a green card, self-centered, or just plain incompatible with your need for touch and proximity.
#9 Asking for help
Asking for too much financial help is a bad sign all around, but if he is asking for plane tickets, rent money, and money for living expenses, beyond what he needs to get himself on his feet, he is using you.
#10 No interaction with families or friends.
He's not interested in meeting your family, or won't let you meet his. Of course, different cultures have different cultures—In Japan, for example, meeting the parents usually means marriage is on the table. If he's uninterested in meeting your friends, or won't introduce you to his, it's another sign he's not very invested in the relationship.
Overall, it seems that most things that hint that a guy might want you for a green card marriage also seem to be things that hint that someone is not a good partner, period. On the other hand, your guy may have originally intended to find someone just for a green card, but found something even better (you.) If you're concerned, pay attention to whether your guy's behavior and attitudes change over time. If you remain worried, it might be best to end things. Your intuition can be a powerful force, but at the same time, don't let paranoia ruin a good thing.
There are a lot of things Kaz does that reassure me: He's always willing to help when he can, but never goes suspiciously far out of his way to do so. He would like to stay in the U.S., but is open to returning to Japan, or even going elsewhere. We go through all the typical emotions of a young couple, without excess. I could go on, but the bottom line is, I have no inklings that he wants me for a green card.
~Decchan
Sources:
Quora - How can I tell if someone is dating/marrying me for a green card?
RahulGladwin - Signs you're being married to for Green Card
I Married an Alien - Does My Foreign Fiance Just Want a Greencard?
The next day, I expressed my worries that we were rushing the relationship. He explained that he hopes to get married before 30, and later he further explained that he hopes to work in the U.S. and getting married to an American would give him U.S. work status, and as such, access to better jobs than if he had to find a company to sponsor his work status (many companies don't want to have to go through the extra effort.)
If I stop the story right there, it screams "He's using you for a green card!" At the time, however, I was just nervous and excited about my new relationship, which was probably a blessing. If I had let insecurity creep in so early, I may never have been able to rid myself of it.
A few months later, I found myself checking out articles with advice on how to tell if a guy just wants you for a green card, or if he's the real deal. I'd like to go through a few pieces of these articles now and give my opinions in the context of our relationship. This is in the context of relationships where a man is trying to dupe his partner into marrying him for a green card.
#1: You're Googling "How to tell if someone wants me for a green card".
Bullcrap. A healthy bit of skepticism is in order if you're dating someone who has anything more to gain than your affection. If you're constantly paranoid and something feels off, that's reason to be worried. But trying to cover your bases to protect yourself is a good thing, not a bad omen.
#2: He is perfect.
This is a tricky one. The perfect partner doesn't exist, but in the beginning stages of a relationship, both sides often have their rose-tinted glasses on and will see their partner as more perfect, and act more like an ideal partner, than they will in the future. If your gentleman goes out of his way to be a
yes-man slave, it might not mean he just wants a green card—he might be genuinely trying to please you because he likes you. However, no matter the reason, this is generally not a sustainable way of behaving.
#3: Excessive flattery.
This can be a sign that he wants something other than love, but not necessarily a green card. He could just be trying to get you into bed. If that's not what you're after, proceed with caution.
#3: He puts minimal effort into the relationship.
On the other side of the coin, a guy who is uninterested in doing things like meeting your friends and family, doing things together, only gets his act together when you get upset about something, and overall puts in the minimum effort required to keep you dating him, is either lazy or wants permanent resident status.
#4: He is manipulative.
There are a lot of ways for someone to be manipulative. Manipulative and emotionally abusive people are some of the worst to date. Forget whether he wants you for the green card, get out of the relationship.
#5: He puts conditions on your relationship.
I agree that this is a good sign something is up. It's one thing if he's disappointed at the idea of you not living in the U.S. after marriage. If he says you have to stay in the U.S. for your relationship to continue, he either wants you for a green card, or he is a selfish, uncompromising person. Neither is a person you want to date or marry.
#6: Your family and friends think something's not right.
They may be able to see things you can't. If there are multiple people close to you who have similar reservations about your guy's personality, that is a major warning sign in general.
#7 He rushes the relationship.
A guy having a deadline (i.e. the day his visa expires,) to get married is definitely a warning sign, and one of the reasons I was cautious about Kazzy. However, he has since expressed that he is interested in continuing our relationship even if he has to return to Japan. If a guy's deadline is too fast for you, clearly state that this will not work for you. If he's after you for a green card, he will probably leave you. Good riddance.
#8 He doesn't seem interested in being close to you.
Some guys need more personal space than others, and some are not interested in hugging, kissing, and cuddling. Just because a guy wants a separate bed doesn't mean he doesn't want you, but make sure to keep extra-focused for other warning signs, as to whether he might be after a green card, self-centered, or just plain incompatible with your need for touch and proximity.
#9 Asking for help
Asking for too much financial help is a bad sign all around, but if he is asking for plane tickets, rent money, and money for living expenses, beyond what he needs to get himself on his feet, he is using you.
#10 No interaction with families or friends.
He's not interested in meeting your family, or won't let you meet his. Of course, different cultures have different cultures—In Japan, for example, meeting the parents usually means marriage is on the table. If he's uninterested in meeting your friends, or won't introduce you to his, it's another sign he's not very invested in the relationship.
Overall, it seems that most things that hint that a guy might want you for a green card marriage also seem to be things that hint that someone is not a good partner, period. On the other hand, your guy may have originally intended to find someone just for a green card, but found something even better (you.) If you're concerned, pay attention to whether your guy's behavior and attitudes change over time. If you remain worried, it might be best to end things. Your intuition can be a powerful force, but at the same time, don't let paranoia ruin a good thing.
There are a lot of things Kaz does that reassure me: He's always willing to help when he can, but never goes suspiciously far out of his way to do so. He would like to stay in the U.S., but is open to returning to Japan, or even going elsewhere. We go through all the typical emotions of a young couple, without excess. I could go on, but the bottom line is, I have no inklings that he wants me for a green card.
 |
| He used his car to help me get a Christmas tree for my family and set up our Christmas decorations on his day off. |
Sources:
Quora - How can I tell if someone is dating/marrying me for a green card?
RahulGladwin - Signs you're being married to for Green Card
I Married an Alien - Does My Foreign Fiance Just Want a Greencard?
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